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| Time: | 11:05 pm. |
| Music: | "Found Myself" Smile Empty Soul. |
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I was completely faded when I used the "unrequited love" story to cover for my drunken behavior. It was just my cover story, like all the others. Right?
This was one boy trap I vowed never to fall into; I'm caught.
In three months, Ryan, your name will become irrelevant automatically. Right now, though, I wish I had the power to make it so.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, November 5th, 2004
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So the guy I was head over heels for last year... turns out he's crazy for me. Only, I'm too good of friends with him and he has way too much respect for me. Basically, we're going nowhere, but we'll stay friends. It's weird though... I never would have imagined last year that I would have the conversation I just had tonight. Never. Life simply amazes me; right when I think it absolutely kills, it throws me something to make me smile. So in the end, my shit day turned to astonishing. Thank you, I guess.
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Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
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I cannot help but experience a twinge of jealousy when I encounter those that have what I want. The doctors and surgeons that I speak with and learn from each day, I cannot help but wonder if I will ever attain what they have. God, I want so badly to know that I have it in me; I want so badly to know I am capable of this. I am the only one around me who doubts myself. Everyone else is so sure of my abilities-- except me. No one realizes how scary it is on my part. None of these people realize that knowing what you want in life can be harder than not knowing. When you have a dream, you can never settle for less. I could never be an engineer, although it is my back-up plan. I would go through my life knowing that I failed. I cannot fail. I will not fail.
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Sunday, October 24th, 2004
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So here are my stats:
SAT Is
Math- 760
Verbal- 710
SAT IIs
Writing- 790
Math IIC- 770
Molecular Bio- 750
APs
Biology- 5
US History- 5
Eng. Lang/Comp- 4
Class Rank
1 of 146
Cummulative GPA
4.20
College List
Stanford
Yale
Dartmouth
Columbia
Harvard
Princeton
Brown
Washington University in St. Louis
Johns Hopkins
Notre Dame
UC Berkeley
UCLA
UCSD
UC Davis
And yet, I am so scared. I am scared out of my mind. I know what I want and I know how to get there... and I can see so many flaws in the plan that it seems impossible to attain. Oh dear God, please help me.
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I miss Sarah, a lot.
I kind of miss Hunter, a little.
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Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
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Hi.
I'm in Iran if you didn't already know. Chances are, if you didn't know, you're not reading this... actually, there's a higher likelihood that no one is reading this.
If for some odd reason Hunter decided to read this, I think it'd interest him to know (I only noticed this after I opened this window) that my last post-- that Tsunami Bomb song-- was probably for you... well, just a few lines here and there actually... not the whole damn song... I wasn't that retarded. Wasn't I weird though? I personally think so.
If this journal wasn't quite so amusing, I'd wipe it all away. I was an idiot.
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Sunday, December 7th, 2003
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Even though I'm always gone
Doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you all the time
And when life is getting rough
I imagine us sharing our whole lives.
We could run away
Leave behind anything bigger
Not knowing where we're going to stay
Theres no monday.
You're part of me, it's so easy to see.
The simple truth
When I'm in your arms, I feel safe from harm
And sorrow too
You're part of me, it's so easy to see.
The simple truth
But most of all, nothing couldn't be solved
When I'm with you
That memory of your smile
Pierces through the dark when I go to bed alone.
And when I'm about to fall apart
I remember your open arms
Waiting for me to come home.
Let's create our own world
Made of trust, simply and honest
I'll sing a song you've never ever heard
No one else can hear
You're part of me, it's so easy to see.
The simple truth
When I'm in your arms, I feel safe from harm
And sorrow too
You're part of me, it's so easy to see.
The simple truth
But most of all, nothing couldn't be solved
When I'm with you
But most of all, nothing couldn't be solved
When I'm with you
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Monday, November 10th, 2003
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Guess who finally had her first shot?
Thank you Sarah :)
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Saturday, November 8th, 2003
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Fumbling his confidence
And wond’ring why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he’s meant for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we’ve been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we’re bent and broken, broken
We want more than this world’s got to offer
We want more than this world’s got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life
God this is so fucking gay.
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Ha... I lied. I don't really give a rat's ass about Ryan.
I absolutely cannot wait until Sunday-- I just wish I could have gone tonight. Maybe I'll get my miracle and I will be able to go? I doubt it... the sun's not even out, so all this staring is doing no good. (I know you loved that play on Thrice's lyrics :) ).
And my mom-- yeah, I've decided that she's obsessive. I truly believe that she should be on Zoloft or whatever other obsessive compulsive medicines are out there. You think I'm exaggerating? Well, I'm not. She's a FREAK. Maybe one day I'll tell you the story, but I don't feel the need at the moment. What I do feel the need for, however, is sleep, because due to my mother's obsessive madness I was woken up at 7:30 after going to sleep at 3:00 and dragged off to the ER. Dammit I'm supposed to sleep in today!!!!!!! GRRRRR...
What I wouldn't give to get completely drunk right now...
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Friday, November 7th, 2003
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I think I might like Ryan. Ouch...
I think...
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My mom is fucking driving me crazy!!!!! I'm so fucking sick of her... she needs to let me make my own goddamn decisions and LET ME DO SOMETHING FOR A CHANGE. I'm sure she thinks she's making me a good person-- well guess what asshole, the moment I go off to college I'm going to get shit-faced drunk just because I CAN. Faggit. I'm so sick of you.
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Sunday, October 26th, 2003
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The Game was fun, besides the whole ASB-Cairella craziness. (I was basically put under interrogation for leaving the workday, when in fact I did, but I lied to her and said I didn't. Shoot me. I'm just horrible. Maybe I didn't want to be there at all, did that thought ever occur to you?!) Anyhow, I got to the game like ten minutes early so I could help the floats arrange themselves (seeing as to the fact that I was the director person for that) and right as I was walking over there, the football team walks off the field. So I'm just standing there waiting for them to clear so I can get by when I see a guy turn and say hey to me. If you know any football players, you'd know for a fact that before a game they're all so into football and shit that they don't notice ANYONE. I wasn't really paying attention to them up until that moment, but then I realized Casey was standing there in full gear (helmet included) saying hi to me right before they started the game. That probably helped make the rest of the night bearable, but at the time I just stood there stunned. People don't notice me in normal circumstances, and here he was totally in football-mode (which consists of absolutely nothing except football) seeing me. During the game, Dawn and a few of her friends were like "Oh look there he is... oh and his helmet is off. God he's so fucking hot..." Mind you I'm not the most observant person in the world, so it took me a few to realize they were talking about Casey... and honestly, I felt slightly special, because every fucking girl in our school is in love with him and he notices me... a bit at least. After the game, we were all waiting for Jacob and Matt and Robbie so we could go to dinner when Tim walked by and said hi to me. This right here really threw me off because I haven't talked to him since freshman year. (Sorry, just a random thing that happened.)
Anyway, Saturday-- the dance. It was fun enough. We went to dinner before with just about everyone. That was awesome. The dance itself though... it pissed me off. Everyone had a date. Especially during the slow songs... I'm sick of not having a guy. I'm so going to get a date for Formal. I doubt it'll be whom I want, but I'll find someone worthy of going with.
So that basically ends our Homecoming Week. This is incredibly stupid, but I wish it wasn't over. For one week, we got to wear whatever we wanted and I'm going to go vain-- Sarah and I looked AWESOME every day that week. I basically wore a skirt every day, and for some reason that gives me a sort of can-get-anything type confidence. I partially think it has to do with the whole tennis thing... and the fact that on the court I feel like I'm in total control (and as everyone knows tennis players wear skirts.) So yeah. It's over though. Was this week different because I felt different about myself? Probably. It's over though, and so is all that came with it. Dammit.
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Friday, October 24th, 2003
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This is the most confusing thing I've ever dealt with... (well besides that whole free energy formula... never mind)
Today during Gospels, we were working on silly little pictures and what not, and I went to the back of the class to get a different marker. I was the only one there, then I saw Casey get up and walk towards me. He said, "I just wanted to say thank you for inviting me to dinner with you, even though I can't go."
How cute is that?
It sucks because I can't tell if he was just a really nice guy and blew me off as nicely as physically possible, or if he really just couldn't go. Grr... why does he have to be so *nice*?
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It's so friggin late... and I only have three hours to finish my essays. Actually, I did my Death of a Salesman one... I just have to add the sentence patterns... God, I hate doing that. Oh well, it's not like I'm going to sleep anyway. I have to be at school at 5:45 for the morning news rally dealio-- I'm oh so glad at least you'll be there Sarah!
I asked him and he said, "I'm actually not sure yet if I'm even going to the dance because I have to go to..." (at which point I sweetly smiled and turned and walked away). Guess what? I really do not even care. Truth is, I honestly believe that he just doesn't want to go to the dance. I mean, fuck, if I was thrown into some random school where I knew I was totally hot and every fucking girl is in love with me, I doubt I'd go to a dance either. *shrugs* Maybe he was just blowing me off... guess what though? I still do not even care. If he doesn't want me, that's cool. I can't make someone fall for me. I understand that and I can deal with that just fine.
I guess we'll just have to see how things go. If he blatantly ignores me from this point out, I think I'll get the clue. But, if he's still cool like he is now, maybe we'll be friends. Or you know what, maybe we won't. Ha. Either way, who gives?
I'm thinking that maybe it's just because it's getting slightly past my usual 8:00 sleep time and I'm really not giving a shit about anything in this world. Oh, but I didn't care earlier today either, so I guess that's not really a valid excuse.
Okay, back to my essays.
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Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003
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I just need to ask Casey to dinner before Homecoming... that way he can say no; I can flip out for the rest of the day and eat myself alive; then get over it. Why do I want him so bad? How come I can't stop this? I love the giddiness and the way you feel when you like someone and get attention from them, but I absolutely dispise all those times I sit there realizing I'm never going to get what I want. I'm not good enough to get what I want. God dammit. I want this to be different. I'm tired of the same old shit all the time.
I'm totally excited for Sarah... in fact, I was totally as psyched as she was for most of the day, but the truth is... I'm jealous. I wouldn't take away your happiness for anything, but I wish that for once we could *both* get what we want.
He makes a conscious effort towards me. He stops in the middle of conversations and turns and says hi to me, even if I don't say hi first... you know, little things like that. I want so bad to believe that I'm wanted this once. I can't though. Maybe I'm too cynical, or maybe I've just been let down one time too many. Either way, I know I can't have him, and yet, I still fall for him. Part of me thinks this is my form of SI. Instead of cutting, I fall for guys. I fall for guys I know I can never have and then fuck myself up over it (ie Tim, David, Tyler,... now Casey).
I wish I could understand it. I wish I understood why things always seem to screw over when I want something. I don't though. I don't understand.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, October 17th, 2003
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He finally talked to me again... after what, nearly a month?
:)
Oh man. This day fucking rocks.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
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Sunday, October 12th, 2003
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Roy is so incredibly in love with me... as bad as I was with like Tim (and anyone who remembers the Tim period would know how ridiculous that is!) I can see him staring at me trying to get eye contact just so he can talk to me, but I always look away. I feel bad, just because I *don't* feel bad... I mean, it's not that difficult for me to at least be friends with the kid, but I really just don't want to. It's not as much fun when they are totally into you. It's when you can't have them that they're fun.
Guess who I want to take to Homecoming? Oh yes, you guessed right... let's just say if I do get that date, the dress is beyond sexy.
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Saturday, October 11th, 2003
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I'm sorry.
I have to set myself straight first.
School is just my excuse.
The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows
-- Brand New
We saw the western coast. I saw the hospital. Nurse the shoreline like a wound. We paint a lover's tryst. We're neither clear nor descript. We kept it safe and slow. The quiet things that no one ever knows. Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. Today's the day it gets tired. Today's the day we drop down. Give up my body in bed. All for an empty hotel. Wasting words on lowercases and capitals. I contemplate the day we wed. Your friends are boring me to death. Your veil is ruined in the rain. By then you like to do without. There's nothing new to talk about. And though our kids are blessed, the parents let them shoulder all the blame. Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. Today's the day it gets tired. Today's the day we drop down. Give up my body in bed. All for an empty hotel. Wasting words on lowercases and capitals. I lie for only you. And I lie well. Halleluh. Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. Today's the day it gets tired. Today's
the day we drop down. Give up my body in bed. All for an empty hotel. Wasting words on lowercases and capitals.
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